zippers are such a cool invention
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
