just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize