you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
