At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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