saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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