We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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