so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
