I'm really into asian looking animals
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
