If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
