your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize