Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
