I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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