Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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