her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
