you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
