You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
