Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
