you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
