Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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