We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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