Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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