We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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