My friends, they love my intelligence
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
