One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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