Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
