You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
