I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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