so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I would ride that face into the sunset
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
