Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
