I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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