we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
