and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
