This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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