OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
