nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
