you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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