Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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