So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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