if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
