Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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