my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Come see our sink grown plant.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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