Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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