I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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