Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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