I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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