i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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