Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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