Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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