Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
