Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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