I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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