Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
