I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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