yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
