Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
