Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
