I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
