I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
